So I’m driving down Washtenaw today in Ypsilanti, and I see that someone has run their truck into Wendy’s sign.  Hilarious.

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Starbucks in China

As a non-coffee drinker, it is hard for me to understand the gigantic appeal that Starbucks has created.  Starbucks is an international phenomenon with nearly 11,000 stores and 6.4 billion dollars in Revenue last year. The company can move swiftly and forcefully into new products as it did when it bought Tazo Tea in 1999.  The power of market domination allows them to simply buy out their competition when they wish as they did with Torrefazione and Seattle’s Best in 2003.  They can dominate green coffee bean markets with their substantial buying power and leverage.

My dislike for Starbucks has nothing to do with being a corporation. I love corporations. They have worked hard before they were corporations to get where they were. Some hippies will get all up in your face and say that Starbucks is bad for the “mom and pop” coffee shops. That’s a silly argument because Starbucks at one point was one of those coffee shops that just happen to find success.

Starbucks make me feel ill with their carefully chosen subtle, but not too bland, color scheme.  Even the background music has been Starbucked, with watered down instrumental versions of Jimi Hendrix, for example.   The quirky living room sofas and tables, which are not so quirky when you realize they are identical to the other thousands of stores.  Starbucks is simply a McDonalds for the new media generation. Starbucks wants a consistent cup of coffee, just like McDonalds wants the Big Mac to taste the same wherever you go, so they over-roast it to remove any minor flavor variations in the beans.

Starbucks in India

“Will that be a Tall, Grande or a Venti?”

Starbucks’ menu language is just stupid – especially for espresso drinks. All I have to say is “tall” is small. The barista or cashier will not speak to you in normal cafe speak either… If you order a double cappuccino, you get the most dreaded question of all – “Will that be a Tall, Grande or a Venti?”

“Line up, suckers.”

If the long lines out the door were for being so great and so popular that would be fine. But, the sad fact is that they purposefully designed the shop layout to encourage snaking lines creating a sense of excitement and encourage the sheep mentality in consumers. For people who pay attention to this stuff it shows a lack of respect to the customer.

Starbucks employees have the nerve to stick a tip jar on the counter, and even at the drive thru. Your one job is to mix stuff in coffee and give it to me, and then of course maintain a store.  Millions of people work in mundane jobs like this everyday and Starbucks’ employees, for some reason, complain about it more than I’ve ever seen. I’m convinced that Wendy’s employees work harder. I read a blog from a Starbucks employee who says that we should tip him because…

“we also do customers favors quite often (not charging for refills, not kicking you out when we are supposed to, letting people bring their pets in, etc).

Tipping makes us love you, and when we love you we make better drinks for you, give them to you faster, etc.”

Starbucks in Africa

Take a look around next time you go to a Starbucks.  Guaranteed one the following people is there…

First you may see the writer who wants you do know he’s a writer.  Yes, we all know that writing is a fascinating occupation, but unfortunately, unlike hookers and crack dealers, you cannot simply point them out by looking at them.  However, when a person has to tell you that he’s a writer (intentionally), then writing suddenly becomes less impressive.  Those kind of people usually go to the busiest Starbucks in town and pop open their Macs, making sure that the shining Apple logo is on display for everyone to see. Then they pretend to write, sigh, and brainstorm their thoughts.

You also may possibly see the guy who hates Starbucks but goes there anyway. The world is packed with shitheads and nobody can deny that, but there are those who realize they are complete shitheads, and yet, brag about it. I’m taking about that certain someone who won’t shut up about how crappy Starbucks is, and forget the fact he is ranting while waiting in line inside Starbucks.

More thank likely you will see at least one study group.  Why go to a proper school library that is filled with textbooks, resources, and free computers when you have the most crowded Starbucks in the area?  It definitely makes more sense to go to a place where noise is a popular demanding song, has tables that barely support an encyclopedia, and a crowd that’s yelling for a proper frappuccino.  It’s like Turkish prison, except with worse

Guarantee you’ll see the person who peruses the DVD/music section as if he might purchase something. It’s really great when you’re waiting in line behind somebody only to realize that they’re not in line, but instead deciding whether or not they want to purchase Akeelah and the DVD, which I am positively sure that no one ever bought. Yes, we know that you want to shed the stereotypes that white people don’t watch Black movies, but if that particular Black movie sucks, then we understand the reason that you didn’t see it in theaters.

My darling girlfriend and I were eating over at Aubrey’s and she proposed a fantastic idea.   An eating competition in Ypsilanti.  Here are the current plans/ideas for the competition:

  1. It will be called the Glutten Bowl and will be hosted somewhere in Ypsilanti.
  2. Any profits will be donated to a charity.  The charity has not yet been chosen, but we are currently leaning towards Relay for Life.
  3. Participants will pay a small entree fee which will pay for the food and for the donation towards charity.
  4. The winner of the competition will win a combination of a cash prize, gift cards to local businesses and a trophy.
  5. There will be several raffles during the competition for people to win gift cards to local businesses.
  6. There will be an after party at a local watering hole.
  7. The food choice is up in the air.  We are still trying to decide.

The plans are still unconfirmed because we just started working on the idea.  The whole point of this is to offer entertainment and to donate some money to charity.  Ideally we could like to donate a few hundred dollars to the organization we decide.

Let me know if you have any ideas, suggestions, or a will to compete.  I will keep you updated as we plan.

I began to research for my quest to become competitive eating champion of the world and found some interesting information.

I found myself on a gastric bypass forum where a young lady was requesting information on stretching her stomach a little bit after having the surgery. Readers suggested she began drinking large amounts of water in short amounts of time. I thought this would be a good place to start.

I attempted to chug a gallon of water in less than two minutes. I video taped the event but failed miserably so I am hesitant to post it on this blog. Honestly, I am embarrassed. I understand that this will be a slow process, but I have high expectations. Maybe when I am able to complete this task I will post the trials.

Until the, let training continue!

It’s a tough world out there these days with our recent economic problems and even producers of soup are feeling the heat.  Campbell’s Soup Company recently decided to begin a campaign asking people for help.  Don’t take it from me, the CEO posted a letter on-line:

“Dear Friend of Campbell,

Campbell Soup Company has a passion for innovation. We continually seek to improve the quality, convenience, and value of our products. We are always interested in ideas for new products, packaging, marketing, and production technologies that will help us meet the needs of our consumers and customers better, faster and more completely.

At Campbell, we recognize that valuable ideas for innovation may come to us from many sources, both inside and outside the Company. Consumers, customers, suppliers, contractors, inventors and friends often have suggestions that they would like to share with us, and we welcome their interest in doing so.

We have created this Web site to provide a convenient method for people who are not employed by Campbell to submit ideas for innovation to us. If you have an idea that you think may interest us, we hope you will submit it for our consideration.

Thank you for your interest – we look forward to hearing from you!

Douglas R. Conant
President and CEO”

As a friend of Campbell’s Soup and someone who eats their soup all the time, I felt inclined to offer my assistance.  What am I supposed to eat if Campbell’s goes under?  Progresso?  You’ve got to be shitting me.   I went further and checked into Campbell’s current stock info.  While not terrible, it’s still not looking good.  Plus, it appears Progresso isn’t a publically traded company so I can get any information on them.  I’m in the dark here.

Campbells Current Stock Information

Campbell's Current Stock Information

Campbell’s cry for help was enough for me.  I decided to submit the one idea that would keep Campbell’s soup afloat for good.  The one idea that will keep me eating Campbell’s and my future children eating Campbell’s.  Ladies and Gentlemen, here is my submission.

“Dear Friend,

I understand that times are tough right now.  Just last week I was forced to eat cereal rather than my usual eggs and bacon.  It was an unfortunate experience but it opened my eyes.

This the part where I give to you the idea that will save Campbell’s Co.

“Biscuits & Gravy Soup”.

Yes, I agree that it is surprising that no one had thought of this before, but that’s not the issue here.  The issue is that you now have the product that will bring Campbell’s out of the red and into the green.  The best part?  All you have to do is mix fat with flour, and add pieces of biscuits.  Plus, it can be eaten for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I would say it’s genius, but you and I already know this.

I require no charge for this submission.  I will simply take pride in the fact that I contributed to me not having to eat Progresso soup.

God Bless You,

John Moors
Eater of Soup”

If you would like to offer an idea, you can visit http://www.campbellsoupcompany.com/ideas/.  I wouldn’t really bother because they will more than likely shut the site down after my idea is read, but you can humor yourself and submit something.

In spirit of my decision to undertake competitive eating, I figured the best place to start is none other than…

Golden Corral.

What, specifically, do I want to eat at Golden Corral?  And why do I want to eat there?

Well, everything and because there’s nice people there, that’s why.

While eating dinner last night, I had an epiphany.  I do not know what exactly an epiphany is, but I believe it means I had a vision…  No, that doesn’t really work either.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that I had a great idea last night.

I, John Moors, am going to begin training for competitive eating.

I don’t really have a plan for anything yet, and haven’t even been able to any competitive eating events around this area.  If it comes down to me just eating huge amounts of food and competing against someone in another booth who is unaware of my presence, than so be it.  I will begin training with goal of entering small competitions and gauging my abilities.  From where, who knows?

I will keep you updated.

For some reason, McDonald’s continues to serve snack wraps. I got the courage to order one a while ago and it was literally one of the most disgusting things I have ever eaten.  It’s basically a small chicken tender, shredded lettuce, a TINY sprinkle of cheese and some dressing.

I guess the new idea is to shrink their Big Mac into one of these wraps and hope people are sick of the sandwich that made them famous. The Snack Wrap Mac features the fixings of a Big Mac–a sliced burger patty, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onions–but no sesame seed bun. It’s packaged in a warm flour tortilla. It was launched at all 1,400 McDonald’s outlets in Canada this week selling for $1.49, and will be on the menu there through May 18.

This is really stupid.

I managed to find some Canadians who stopped in to try one posted their findings on the web.  Behold, the Snack Wrap Mac:

Update: They took the picture down.  Crap.

Sick.

More deliciousness from thisiswhyyourefat.com

Three stacks of bacon, sausage, elk meat, onions and cheese between tortillas all topped with sour cream, two fried eggs and scallions.

I NEED THIS.

After a long absence, I am back!  I was reminded again that I hate moving and never want to do it again.  It got so bad that I threw out my deep fryer because I didn’t want to dispose of the oil.  Oh well.  Here’s what I want to eat today…

Deviled Eggs.

I was at my buddy’s going away party this past weekend and someone was kind enough to make two giant platters of these.  I ended up having 11 of them.  Here’s how I make my deviled eggs.

Ingredients:

  • 6 hard-boiled eggs
  • 2 Tbsp minced sweet onion
  • 2 tsp sweet pickle relish, minced
  • 1 Tbsp mayonnaise
  • 2 tsp creamed horseradish sauce (found in deli section)
  • 2 tsp yellow mustard
  • Salt to taste
  • I always add some paprika on top but you can make your eggs fancy by adding olives, chives, parsley, or pimento.

Directions:

Slice the hardboiled eggs in half and remove the yolks.  Put the yolks into a bowl and mash until crumbly.  Add the sweet onion, pickle relish, mayo, horseradish sauce, mustard, and salt to taste.  Mix until everything is combined and creamy.

You can pipe or use a spoon to return the yolk mixture into the egg white halves.  Garnish with what I listed above and serve.