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Not exactly food related, but I did a post on Vince, the ShamWow and Slap Chop guy a few weeks ago and felt that I should update you on what he’s up to these days — punching prostitutes.

ShamWow pitchman Vince Shlomi (i had his last name wrong, oops) was arrested last month on felony battery charges for allegedly punching a stripper, according to the Web site TheSmokingGun.com.

Police reports obtained by the site claim that Shlomi met 26-year-old prostitute Lenea Harris at a Miami nightclub, and subsequently brought her back to his room at Setai Hotel. Shlomi allegedly paid Harris $1,000 for “straight sex.”

That’s went things took a turn.

Shlomi told police “that he kissed [Harris] when all of a sudden [Harris] bit his tongue and would not let go,” according to the report.

Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue, and then ran to the lobby to call police. Harris suffered several cuts and fractures to her face.

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I was eating Wendy’s chili for lunch today and was thinking to myself, “You know, this chili is quite delicious.”  It was then that I noticed a giant chunk of beef which resembled the corner of a beef patty.  It was also then that I remembered someone telling me that Wendy’s chili is made from unused beef patties from the day before.  I decided to find out for myself.

According to employees who are quicker to throw their employer under the bus than Mike Vanderjagt, here is how chili is made at Wendy’s:

  1. All burger patties that were not sold, are broken, or burnt are collected and deposited into a bag.  The bag is dated and put into a cooler.
  2. The next morning employees collect the oldest bag,  rinse the meat in hot water, put meat in large pot of water and boil until it becomes granules.
  3. Meat is then drained and cooled.
  4. Employees then add a can of pre-made chili sauce from the warehouse, cans of beans, pre-made spice packets, and frozen veggies
  5. Scary part.  According to most of the employees, that mixture is combined with yesterday’s chili.  Most call it the “Eternal Chili Pot.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of fast food..  I know most if it is nasty, but I guess I just held Wendy’s chili to higher standards.  Damnit.

For years, I have been preaching my hatred for Subway resturaunts.  Everyone is suprised by this because Subway seems to offer such healthy, delicious meal options and they helped Jared lose 758 pounds.  I always had random reasons in my head, but I never stopped to think exactly why I hated subway.  I then decided to compile a list and share it with my readers.  If you enjoy subway and large pairs of pants that don’t fit anymore, this post is not for you.  Well, maybe somehow I could change your mind but I doubt it.  Anyways, read on.

  1. Jared. 

    I hate Jared.  Unless you’ve been staring into an empty milkshake cup for the past five years, you’ve been irritated by Jared Fogle, the incredibly annoying Subway poster child who revolutionized the glory of instant celebrity.  All he did was plump up like a Ball Park frank for 20 years by stuffing himself with Big Macs and cream-cheese stuffed French toast, and then un-fattening his Thanksgiving turkey figure by eating Subway sandwiches for every single meal.   But should this not be seen as a success story?  An obese man who was destined for quadruple bypass surgery by the age of 45 losing the weight and becoming a healthy 170 pounder who can show his fat jeans on national TV?   No.
      
    Why do I hate Jared?  The answer is simple.  More than half of Americans are overweight, and those who are find it unbelievably frustrating that a completely average guy has become an idolized American hero for losing weight.  Was this hard for Jared to do?  Of course not.  Before he stopped carrying around 893 pounds of fat on his body, he simply stopped being a complete idiot and quit consuming massive amounts of fat-fried ground beef.  He also had the bright idea of  getting his ass out of the seat of the bus he took to McDonald’s every day and walked to a Subway, which wasn’t hard considering that America’s Subway stores are popping up like Starbucks in Los Angeles.
     
    One day when Jared was working up a sweat pouring chocolate milk over his fifth bowl of Count Chocula, he decided to risk a heart attack and burn 800 calories by exerting the effort to turn the milk carton around and read the food pyramid the back.  He made an incredible discovery: he hadn’t been obeying the food pyramid! His eating habits were somewhat different!
     
    Bottom line, this guy is now a celebrity because he decided to do what millions of Americans do, which is eat a normal and healthy diet.  He is a spokesperson for the company because he makes it look as though it is EASY to lose 837 pounds just eating at Subway everyday.  If you can stand the taste of the subs every day, then I guess you deserve to lose that much weight.  Just for the record, that last sentence was NOT intended to give Jared any credit.
     
     
  2. The Sandwiches Taste Terrible
     
    With 23,983 units and growing, Subway markets themselves as a healthier alternative to other fast food places. Take for instance their 6 grams of fat or less promotion, this encompasses most of Subway’s menu. Their mission to make their sandwiches under certain grams of fat, however, comes at the expense of taste quality, specifically the sandwiches with deli meat.  The deli meats are sliced way too thin and therefore are unable to satisfy people with an appetite such as myself.  Don’t believe me?   Next time you get a Subway sub, dissect it, hold one piece of lunch meat up to the light and examine how much light comes through. You will be amazed, and come to understand how the consumers are being skimmed.  Also, why does every type of meat they serve taste exactly the same?
     
    The same case can be made for their bread, which is way too soft for a hoagie. The fluff of the roll can sometimes make the contents of the sandwich disappear. Subways have made steps to correct their roll quality by offering a variety of spicy breads, but that is kind of like pouring a whole bunch of black pepper into a bland tasting soup.  Plus, their lame excuse for a toasted sub is putting your bread into some kind of giant oven which only makes the bread slightly crunchy.  This is not a toasted sub.  Half the sub is crunchy and the other half is still soft and slightly warm.
     
    Also, it is comedic to me the way that they call the people who work at their establishments “sandwich artists”.  Really?   So you can put slices of meat on a piece of bread, sprinkle cheese and vegetables on top of that, squeeze a bottle of dressing, and then cut the whole thing down the middle?  Damn, that’s a lot of work.  Maybe you should be paying them more than $7.40 an hour.  You might lose them to an actual sandwich shop.  Oh wait, you drove all of them out of business.
     
     
  3. They Are The Only Option

    If you’ve ever had a sandwich from a locally owned shop, you know exactly how delicious a sandwich can be.  What Subway has done is open up a store or four in every single United States City, putting pressure on these shops to lower their prices while their ingredients suffer.  Mom and Pop shops just can’t compete with the prices and the Subway name, so they are forced to close down.  Where you were previously able to purchase delicious home made style sandwiches, you are now forced to eat a Subway sandwich.
     
     
  4. $5 Footlongs
     
    I thought about it for awhile and then I’ve come to realize the genius of Subway marketing and what a big con it is. The $5 footlong will basically get you the same amount of meat as a 6 inch, except you get to spread it out over a foot long piece of bread.  Watch your local “sandwich artist” next time you order a $5 dollar foot long and see how much of everything you get.  Actually, ask them for double meat and see what they say. 
     
     
  5. Profiting on America’s Health
     
    I will admit, the whole “healthy” thing is pure genius. Basically Subway gets to cut back on more expensive food ingredients (meats) and substitute with cheaper ingredients (vegetables) and charge customers the same for a “healthier” product.  But you have to wonder, how fresh are those vegetables and meats that are sitting on an open counter.  Have those tomatoes been kept at an acceptable temperature, or have they been sitting out at room tempterature for the last 6 hours? 
    What about the dressings?  You can’t tell me you order a Subway sandwich with no dressing.  That just wouldn’t taste good!    Why?  Here’s why…
     
    Chipolte South West Dressing – 1 tbs – 150 calories, 10 grams of fat
    Regular Mayo – 1 tbs – 160 calories, 14 grams of fat
    Ranch – 1 tbs – 100 calories, 12 grams of fat
    Greek Vinaigrette – 1 ounce – 200 calories, 22 grams of fat
    Fat Free Italian – 1 ounce – 35 calories, 0 grams of fat, 720 mg of sodium
     
    Keep in mind those aren’t added in to their calorie and fat content that they print on their napkins and the amount you get on your sandwich is a lot more than a tablespoon or an ounce.Oh, and how about that knife that they use?  How many subs do you think get cut a day with that same knife?  The tuna sub before you, the meatball sub before that..  How much crap do you think is on that knife? 
     

That’s all I’ve got.  I’m sure there are more things that I hate about Subway, but that’s all I have for you.  I hope what i’ve said has moved you, and you are more motivated to find an alternate choice rather than Subway.

I have always wondered why Sonic advertises in Michigan where about three locations exist.  Is this just poorly spend advertising dollars?  Are they communicating to me that they are coming soon?  Or do they just enjoy torturing people who are stuck with McDonalds, Burger King, and Wendy’s?  I decided to find out.

Well, Sonic buys time on cable channels just like any other advertiser. The problem is that since there are usually only two “feeds” of a cable channel (one with programming synchronized to Eastern time and one with programming on Pacific time), many areas receive commercials for products that they cannot purchase. Also, since Sonic has franchises in Illinois, Indiana and Ohio, you may be receiving the commercials as inducements to vacation in those states.

So in summary, Sonic is not wasting money on advertising, could be coming soon but nothing is confirmed, and they do not enjoy teasing you with their delicious looking food.

Consider yourself educated.

This has been out for a little bit so a lot of you have probably seen it, but it is pure comedic gold. You may remember Vince from the ShamWow commercials. He’s at it again with the Slap Chop, which actually looks like a pretty useful little tool.

I got a little curious about exactly who this guy is. Research time!

Vince’s real name is Vince Offer, which I guess is the perfect name for a pitchman.

In 1999, Offer released a film called Underground Comedy Movie, which The New York Post called “the least amusing comedy ever made”.   The film was built around masturbation, defecation, alienation, urination, necrophilia, voyeurism, casual brutality, and jokes about mentally retarded people.  DVDs of the film were marked via television infomercial, go figure.  The film starred Offer, who is credited as playing Batman, Fetus Salesman, JJ Cool, Flirty Harry, and Vincenzo Bulafungu.  The cast also included Joey Buttafuoco, Slash and Michael Clarke Duncan, who is credited as “Gay Virgin”.  I couldn’t make that stuff up.

After the film, Offer attempted to sue the Farrelly brothers, claiming that 14 scenes from There’s Something about Mary were stolen from his own film.  The case was dismissed.   He also attempted to sue Anna Nicole Smith for breach of contract, alleging that Smith had agreed to appear in the film.

In 2004 Offer, an ex-Scientologist, sued the Church of Scientology.  He claimed that the church had declared him a criminal and urged its members to comit libel against him.   Not too sure if he was successful with that one.

Anyways, now that you are an expect on all thing Vince Offer, enjoy his newest work.

This morning, I came across Dateline NBC’s list of the top 10 dirtiest fast food chains in the country.  Basically, they chose 100 locations at random, researched their health records, and made frequent visits.

Let me say that I frequently eat fast food, and am not trying to create a movement against it..  Also, I found it hilarious that Taco Bell is cleaner than Subway.  Hahahaha!

10. TACO BELL

The 100 Taco Bells that were sampled had the fewest total critical violations, 91, making it the best performer in the survey.

 

9. MCDONALD’S

The golden arches, the 100 McDonald’s they looked at came in with a total of 136 critical violations. Some didn’t have a trained and certified food handler on the job, required by law in many states.

Thompson: “It’s that important?”

Smith-Dewaal: “Absolutely. We can’t have food prepared by people who don’t know that you can’t combine raw meat with cooked meat, with people who don’t understand the importance of proper temperatures in food preparation.”

 

 8. KFC



The 100 KFCs that were sampled tallied up 157 critical violations, and two thirds of the “finger lickin’ good” restaurants had at least one critical violation. Remember, it was at a KFC, the Health Department says, little Gianni Velotta picked up salmonella poisoning last year. We’ve now learned that another child was also sickened there, and the same restaurant has since been cited for three more critical violations.

While the Velotta’s have settled a lawsuit against the restaurant, a lawyer for the owner of the franchise contends the salmonella cases did not originate there.

 

7. SUBWAY

The 100 Subways we looked at totaled 160 critical violations. A recurring problem at the sandwich chain was improper food holding temperatures.

Thompson: “What does that mean?”

Smith-Dewaal: “That means that bacteria in the food that’s already cooked can start to grow, and it can reach levels that can cause serious illness for someone who consumes it.”

 

6. JACK IN THE BOX

The 100 Jack in the Box restaurants had a total of 164 critical violations. A Ventura, Calif., Jack in the Box was a trouble spot. It had several customer complaints of food borne illness.

 

5. DAIRY QUEEN

The 100 Dairy Queens  examined totaled 184 total critical violations. One Dairy Queen in Hampton, Va., rang up a number of critical violations last summer for grime, debris, and a inaccurate thermometer.

 

4. HARDEES

 
The 100 Hardee’s tallied 206 critical violations. Again and again inspectors cited the presence of insects and rodents.

Smith-Dewaal: “Rodents and roaches are gross. But more importantly, they can also spread germs from food to food, and carry germs into a restaurant.”

Last May, one restaurant was cited for not having soap in the employee’s sink. Yet, inspectors found employees handling ready-to-eat food with their bare hands.

 

3. WENDY’S

100 Wendy’s had 206 critical violations. That’s the same as Hardees, but more Wendy’s restaurants had violations. So Wendy’s is number three in Datelines dirty dining survey.

At a Wendy’s in Mesa, Ariz., inspectors noted repeated problems with food holding temperatures, mice droppings on the shelves, bare hand food contact, and one food borne illness complaint.

 

2. ARBY’S


The 100 Arby’s had 210 critical violations. The roast beef specialists had recurring violations for improper hand-washing and employees handling ready-to-eat foods with their bare hands.

 

1. BURGER KING

So which fast food chain finished number one on Dateline’s dirty dining list? It’s Burger King.   The 100 Burger Kings  sampled rang up a whopping 241 total critical violations. Health inspectors cited a Virginia Burger King for 14 separate critical violations: employees not washing their hands, uncovered food in the fridge, grime and debris found on this ice chute, and on the drink machine at the drive-thru widow.  Dateline observed one employee scooping ice into a cup with his bare hands, an apparent critical violation.

As a lover of chicken wings, I always wonder who came up with the concept of a boneless version and why someone didn’t punch them in the face.  To me, the beauty of the wing is the small amount of delicious meat that is cooked while on the BONE. If you know anything about cooking, it is just common knowledge that everything tastes better cooked on the bone. Plus, being able to chew the meat off of a bone is just part of the charm.

What is this mystery meat that these people claim is wing meat? And if it is wing meat, how did they get it to look like a chicken mcnugget? Seriously, have you ever seen a piece of meat on a chicken wing that is the size of the smallest boneless wing? This mystery meat can not be trusted.

I decided to consult my sources on exactly what boneless wings consist of.  My findings did not surprise me.

What restaurants usually sell as “boneless chicken wings” are not wings, but other chicken parts.  All the meat is thrown in together in large containers.  The meat is then ground up and put in to molds, and artificial skin is put on the “chicken wings”.  They also very often dye it to make it whiter than it actually is.  After this process, the chicken wings are cooked and sent to the restaurant.  They resemble chicken wings, but are actually very processed.  Furthermore they also tend to use all the nasty stuff from chickens, such as the intestines, veins, arteries, etc. In this case, a thickening base is used.

So basically what you are eating is a combination of ground up chicken parts, dye, and chemicals.  AKA chicken mcnuggets.  Enjoy!

As a loyal drinker of multiple favors of Arizona Iced Tea, I began to wonder.. Is there an addictive ingredient in this, or did they just develop a recipe for liquid heaven?  What goes into this stuff?  Also, how did this company develop a beverage for all situations, events, and moods?  How do they sell such a large quantity of the beverage for such an affordable price?  Do they sell it this cheap because they were somehow able to predict a recession in our economy?  Why does it taste so much better in cans?  I decided to begin a journey to answer all of these questions, just in case I was digesting crack-cocaine daily.

Who Makes Arizona Iced Tea?

Contrary to popluar belief, Arizona iced tea is not made by Jesus himself.  The first can of Arizona Iced Tea was sold in 1992 in Queens, New York.  The company  is owned by Ferolito, Vultaggio & Sons, who to that point mostly sold malt liquor and beer, such as Crazy Stallion and Mississippi Mud.  They still produce the teas to this day, and have expanded to juices, and energy drinks.

I find it suspicious that a company who specialized in malt liquors decided to start brewing tea.  If you know your beers, then you know that beers are either “top fermented” or “bottom fermented.” Porters, ales, and stouts are top fermented and malt liquor is bottom fermented, which means the wort (the resulting brew of malt, prepared cereals like corn or rice, hops and water) is fermented by yeast of the bottom fermentation type (i.e. yeast which settles to the bottom of the fermenting tanks). Top fermenting yeast does the opposite. Malt liquor is made from a wort containing a high percentage of fermentable sugars which makes it slightly sweeter and a bit spicy in flavor and also raises the alcohol content.

Does it alarm anyone else that this company knows this much about chemistry?  I’m getting to the bottom of this.

What’s in the Stuff?

 

I figured the easiest way to get to the bottom of which ingredient was making this drink so addictive, would be to look them all up on Wikipedia and provide a brief summary for each.  I was careful to look out for words/phrases such as “crack“, “narcotic“, “causes dependency“, “will force you to enter rehab to quit“, “junkie creating“, “in some cases, caused consumer to sell all posessions and abandon family to support habit”, and “do not consume or else…”.   I also looked out for anything to do with Jesus or Heaven.

Note: These are the ingredients for a can of Green Tea with Ginseng.  I have had an addiction to this specific beverage for 6-7 years now, so I thought this would be the best one to analyze (for selfish reasons).

  • Premium Brewed Green Tea Using Filtered Water
    • What it is:    Type of tea made solely with the leaves of Camelliasinensis, that has undergone minimal oxidation during processing
    • Effects on Human Body:    Over the last few decades green tea has been subjected to many scientific and medical studies to determine the extent of its long-purported health benefits, with some evidence suggesting regular green tea drinkers may have lower chances of heart disease and developing certain types of cancer.
    • Addictive?  While unproven, many claim that green tea consumption should be restricted because it contains stimulants (Caffeine).  This wasn’t too alarming to me, because I have consumed many beverages for many years that contain caffeine, and they don’t have an effect on me at all.  This may be a direct result of my attention defecit disorder.  Yeah, probably.
  • Honey
    • What it is:    Sweet fluid produced by honey bees and derived from the nectar of flowers.  Mainly fructrose and glucose, making it similar to corn syrup.
    • Effects on the Human Body:    Honey is mostly sugar, but does contain a small amount of carbohydrates and vitamins.  While not great because of the sugar content, honey is a relatively healthy product to put in your body.
    • Addictive?    Findings showed no addictive ingredients, or studies on honey junkies.  In fact, people reccomend using honey to cure sugar addictions.  While this sounds great, I do not believe there is enough research completed to rule out honey as the addictive ingredient.  Honey will remain a suspect.
  • Citric Acid
    • What is is:    A weak organic acid natural use as a preservative.   Also used to add an acidic, or sour, taste to foods and soft drinks.
    • Effects on Human Body:    Citric acid comes from citrus fruits such as lemons and limes, and is important as an intermediate in the citric acid cycle and therefore occurs in the metabolism of almost all living things.  No specific negative effects could be found in my research.
    • Addictive?    It has been proven that the properties of citrus fruits actually help to combat addictions of all types; but especially sugar addiction. The glucose, or fruit sugar, combined with citric acid, help to form a defense against those unhealthy cravings.  From this information, I guess it is safe to say that citric acid successfully cancels out the possibility that honey is the addictive ingredient.  Now we’re back where we started.  Great.
  • Vitamin C
    • What it is:    An essential nutrient for all living species.
    • Effects on Human Body:    Required for a range of essential metabolic reactions in all animals and plants. It is made internally by almost all organisms, humans being a notable exception. It is widely known that a deficiency in this vitamin causes scurvy in humans.
    • Addictive:    No research found regarding addictive traits of Vitamin C, although high doses may result in diarrhea.  No one likes diarrhea, but that’s not the focus here.  I found no information on Vitamin C junkies, or anything having to do with Vitamin C addiction.  I admit I didn’t conduct too extensive of a study on this ingredient because I thought it was pretty stupid to consider Vitamin C as addictive.  Moving on..
  • Sugar
    • While I am trying to be as informative as possible, I think I know enough about sugar to conclude that while addictive, it is not what forces me to visit the gas station several times per day for the beverage.  If this were the case, I would be brewing my own sweet tea at home and growing sugar cane in my bedroom.  While that sounds absolutely delicious and a great idea, it’s not something I’m willing to do.
  • Acesulfame Potassium
    • What is is:     A calorie-free artificial sweetener, also known as Acesulfame K or Ace K (K being the symbol for potassium), and marketed under the trade names Sunett and Sweet One.
    • Effects on Human Body:    Acesulfame Potassium is a calorie-free sweetner, which obviously saves people some unwanted calories.  Critics of the use of acesulfame potassium say the chemical has not been studied adequately and may be carcinogenic, although these claims have been dismissed by the USFDA 
    • Addictive?    No research indicated anything addictive, but that whole carcinogen thing is pretty scary.  Plus that long name is a little overwhemling.
  • Ginseng Extract
    • What it is:    Extract from a species within Panax, a genus of 11 species of slow-growing perennial plants with fleshy roots, in the family Araliaceae.  are taken orally as adaptogens, aphrodisiacs, nourishing stimulants, and in the treatment of type II diabetes, including sexual dysfunction in men. The root is most often available in dried form, either whole or sliced. Ginseng leaf, although not as highly prized, is sometimes also used; as with the root it is most often available in dried form
    • Effects on Human Body:    It has been difficult to verify the medicinal benefits of ginseng using science, as there are contradictory results from different studies, possibly due to the wide variety and quality of ginseng used in studies.  Ginseng is promoted as an adaptogen (a product that increases the body’s resistance to stress), one which can to a certain extent be supported with reference to its anticarcinogenic and antioxidant properties
    • Addictive?    Because of its effect on stress, memory, and energy levels, more and more people are becoming dependent on ginseng.  It is an ingredient for a large marjority of energy on the market today.   One opinion piece (http://www.bluedamage.com/2004/09/16/ginseng-drug-addiction/) calls it the “new crank”.  We may have something here.  Wait, I just noticed that’s from a fake news site.  Damnit.  Disregard all content added from that website.

 

Conclusion

Well, I couldn’t find anything about Arizona’s ingredients being addictive besides the fact that it contains caffeine and some fake news site said it’s the new crank.  This was disapointing because my addiction still remains, and so many questions are still unanswered.  I guess I will continue to drink this delicious beverage in large amounts, and wait until the Food and Drug Administration tells me to stop.

Arizona – The Universal Beverage

There seems to be an Arizona beverage for all situations, moods, experiences, whatever you want.

  • “I just woke up and am on the way to work.  I’m driving, and can’t really see.  I could be a hazzard to other drivers on the road”.
    • The drink for you: RX Energy – A delicious blend of citrus juice, tea, and natural ingredients promoting energy.
  • “I’m going to Florida for spring break with the girls.  I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I really need to watch my figure so I can pick up some studs on the beach.”
    • The drink for you: Diet Green Tea with Ginseng
  • “I love tea and lemonade so much.  I just can’t ever chose which one to drink!”
    • The drink for you: The Arnold Palmer – 1/2 tea, and 1/2 lemonade.  As a whole, delicious.
  • “I’m from the south and I take my tea seriously.  I don’t want none of that unsweetened garbage.  I want diabetes, damnit!”
    • The drink for you: Sweet Tea – A legit sweet tea that will eventually cause type-2 diabetes for all consumers.
  • “You know, I love tea but caffeine just makes me crazy.  Everytime I drink it, I’m up all night reading my Twilight books.”
    • The drink for you: Botanical Green Tea — Decaffeinated.
  • “Man, I hate tea.  Give me some of that purple stuff.”
    • The drink for you: Grapaid